When i was younger my mom used to say “ every little boy is gay” and I used to blow it off because it really didn’t make sense. I mean obviously i knew that people were gay but like everyone? It seemed like a bit of an over exaggeration even for her, because I didn’t know anybody who was gay. At least I didn’t think that i did, but then again who really leads with that bit of information. Especially with the way that it can warp an individual’s entire perception of you, it’s crazy to me how powerful three letters can really be. As I got older I started to experience different situations and meet new people, also People started to hit puberty and their whole world would break right open with new emotions and thought processes. Sex. Another three letter word that shakes any interaction that you have with a person whether it be good or bad it starts to draw a line in certain relationships. Something Like being able to swim naked at 7 years old with your best friend of the opposite sex stops being cute at a certain point, because the thought of promiscuity strips it of its innocence. Sex is a big reason i believe my mom when she said what she had said because if it wasnt for sex people would probably just decide to be with their best friends whether they’re of the opposite sex or not because its about the bond and the comfortability that you have with them. Like little boys can swim in a kiddie pool together and have the time of their lives because it’s purely for the sake of the time you’re having with someone you love, and most of the time when your best friend is of the same sex you love them more than your friends of the opposite because it’s really just about how much fun you have together and thats it. I remember thinking that I’d marry my best friend just because he’s the friend I loved the most at the time. I had no idea about sex or what being gay was just who i loved. As friendships mature you start to talk about the more hormone oriented ideals and based on your exposure the knowledge varies but people start to feel it around the same ages even if they aren’t aware of it. Then you see your best friend start to date girls and he’s talking about his first kiss and it never really bothers you, because that bond you have is still so pure. Until one day he has that bond with someone else and they show them the kind of love that you used to get. And you realize your earth is shattered and you don’t understand the pain. But its because your heart is broken because the love that you had for him was that love all along and the maturation into your adolescence only reinforces that you’re in love with him, all parts of him.
I never wanted to be in love with anybody who could hurt me, I mean who in their right mind would? But I knew after that first heartbreak that things would never be the same for me. Do you know what its like to be completely surrounded by people but be crippled but unparalleled feelings of loneliness. To listen to everybody share stories about their life’s what its going to be like what they want to do but to not contribute in fear that you’ll be subject to whatever kind of stigmas and stereotypes that are attached to what you have been at war with. It’s not really a war between yourself, or how you feel whether you’re a certain way or the other. It’s a war between being who you are or giving up that sense of feeling like you “belong” just by being who you are,because i know who i am, i have known since that eye opening day where my heart was shattered into a million pieces by someone who genuinely had no idea that they were the cause let alone that they were capable of such a thing.
When you realize you’re different you start to pay attention to things that you wouldn’t have before because they take on much more meaning. When people, more specifically your parents talk about your future wife or your mom asks you if you think any girls are cute. If someone has a date to a homecoming or a prom they would assume its of the opposite sex. “What colors her dress” “where did you meet her” it’s all the little things that you pick up that drives you 1000 miles in the opposite direction of putting who you really are out to the world. I think my parents will still love me. I mean obviously they would, but they would be in a sense,disappointed at first. I mean I know my mom would love to have another daughter like figure who loves her son as much as she does. Just to do things that two women who are rapidly infiltrated into each other’s life because of a shared love of someone would do,and that’s something I know she dreams of. I know my dad can’t wait until I am trying to conceive a biological child and he’s able to bestow nuggets of wisdom on how to deal with the cravings and the mood swings and ultimately being there to witness the birth of my first child. I understand all of that and honestly, it’s okay to feel that way because it’s natural to feel some type of way when you’ve pictured your life so differently and it gets detoured in a completely unexpected way. I know my friends will still love me even though at first I’m sure the way they talk around me will sound scripted, just because now that it’s in the open their awareness level is heightened so that they don’t say anything to make me uncomfortable which is paradoxical in its own right because now I’m even more alienated by them not being themselves around me, but I understand that. I understand that all the times that they made insensitive jokes or the times we spent the night together or changed in the same room could upset them because they feel like i was lying to them and of course i wasn’t but it could make certain moments feel artificial. I understand because it’s not something they’ve been able to think about and come to terms with but only myself and just because I was ready doesn’t mean that everybody else just should be. I was scared. I didn’t want to let go of who i was but if i don’t i can’t become who i am going to be and I’m proud of myself. I’m not ashamed, I’m not afraid and I’m not worried anymore because i never grew out of being “every little boy” that my mom would talk about. I just decided he’s everything that makes me me. Three letters, one syllable, so powerful that said one time is going to change my world forever and I’m ready for it.
-sincerely, Every little boy
Caught in the Webb 