If I hadn’t loved you with all my heart then I’d hate you just as much.
I should hate you for what you did to me. But not just me to your parents to our friends who if you’ didn’t think twice about before you decided we didn’t need you anymore.
That’s what I should be saying because I do deserve to be pissed off. Especially in the end where attempted to distract me so that I wouldn’t bring in the Calvary to find you and keep you in your torture. I know you too well after the first sentence I understood what this was. And I’m not mad at you. Well I take that back I am mad at you but not because you did what you believed you had to do but because even though you know me better than I know myself, you decide that instead saying goodbye to Me in person that a letter would suffice like I wouldn’t have a million and one things to say to you before you go. Like that waking up earlier to pick you up was never a chore when it meant I would get our sacred rides to school in the morning. That I loved how you wouldn’t let the songs end because you had so much hope for what could be so much more than what was already was, and you were right when you said that it wasn’t about not knowing, it was about keeping something for ourselves that nobody could take from us. I loved our talks because even though I could see that there was a darkness in you, the way you were with me made me the best version of myself because you showed me that someone who could see the light when it was nowhere to be found is the closest to magic I think I’ll ever get. What you said about the sky, how it can just be so deep, and that you stare and stare it just gets deeper and deeper without ever changing really got to me. I’ve started to look at the sky at night and i’ve been searching and there’s beauty in the abyss of the unknown it’s not about not being able to see something it’s the idea that even though we believe if we keep looking there’s always something deeper even if it is just black it’s still never ending. You did something I can never forgive. You made me realize how deeply you can love a person that needs you in their life to think about them constantly, how they feel, what they’re going through and I guess somewhere inside I knew that you felt the way that you did but I also knew that for me you would champion through it for me. Because that’s just who you were, a champion. I would have loved to grow old together and talk about which embarrassing stories you couldn’t tell on my wedding day. Debating on whether our kids are playing basketball or soccer or whatever else was in the discussion would have been a life that I could have fallen in love with everyday, but it wasn’t in the cards and that’s okay too I mean I guess it’ll have to be. I’m lucky to have been able to say that I love you because you made me understand what having meaning in life was. I will love harder, live stronger and hurt more deeply all because you allowed me to love you. You taught me to live my life in despite of everything, never in spite of anything and I will always owe you for that. You were right, what we have is in life and in death, but you were wrong about one thing. I’m not your salvation you’re mine and you will always live in me. And It’s not goodbye but I’ll see you later. With much more stories to tell and songs to sorta listen to. And you won’t ever get to read this but this is forever for you, and I will continue to stare deeper and deeper into the sky because it’s a piece of you and I love you in your entirety.
Still here and continually yours.
Your friend.
Caught in the Webb 