What would you say?

I think that I lived my whole life with a sort of chip on my shoulder, I don’t think that it was detrimental to my social relationships or even so much to my relationship with myself. I was loved, maybe not the way that I wanted to, but then again who was? I think that us adopted children feel we have a monopoly on deep rooted parental trauma and maybe that is true, but I feel like no matter how your story transpired or whether you had a loving childhood or you felt like you were treated like an outsider and were punished for not being biological as though you had a say in the matter. We all have one singular question. Why? I think that throughout the years if you really were healthy enough to give it some real thought you wanted to believe that they did what they thought was best for you at the time. Even if you believe no matter where you lived or how you struggled feeling like you weren’t some inanimate thing that could be pawned off on someone else would have been worth it, there is no way to really know. What I do know is that feeling Like there is no escape in the void that is being on the outside of the only family I’ve ever known is a fate I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. As I get older I think more and more about why, it’s not as devastating most days, but the days when it is, it shakes me to my very core. Why didn’t you want me? Were you afraid that I wasn’t going to be smart? Or beautiful? That I wouldn’t be everything that you believed I needed to be to make sacrificing your life to raise a child worth it? I want to know why everyday I had to feel that rejection, every time somebody told my sister that they had my mom’s smile or her laugh. But more so, when someone told me that I had my dad’s eyes and we had to decide in that split second whether to politely correct them at the expense of my feelings, or to play along at equal detriment to my mental emotional state. I was playing a rigged game and I have been all my life and I just want to know why? But not just from you but from me. What I want to know is, why do I still love you with all of my heart. Why do these people who are supposed to be my loved ones and who have treated me like such still compete in my mind with the both of you? Why do I long for your approval that I don’t know that I will ever get or that I am not really sure I want? But I know that I won’t really know until I ask if I ever get the chance to. Why do I love the idea of you when I don’t even know who you are? Maybe because I probably won’t ever get the chance to meet you, I convince myself that you will recognize me because of the way that I looked the day that I first came into this world and you looked into my eyes knowing that it would be the last time. I want to imagine that the image is burned into your brains, but why? I might not ever get my answer but I think If I could actually get the chance to speak to you I might ask a different question. What would you say?