Until next time

As she stared through the glass of her front door, I think that she found herself torn. She was extremely anxious but the why was smothered with ambiguity. Was it because she couldn’t wait for them to show? Or because she was hoping they had more courage than her. To have actually picked up the phone and conjured some story about why they wouldn’t be able to attend. Her children that it is, there were four of them, and honestly she couldn’t remember the last time they had all been to the house at the same time. Mary had been a young mother, having given birth to her fourth child before the age of thirty. Her life had been a whirlwind of diapers, and sleep deprivation although as the years went by that would be for different reasons. All the same she had lived a life with four times the intensity, but it was never her own. When her youngest Tyler had left her she was again split between feeling relieved and terrified simply for the fact that her life for the first time in decades would be entirely her own. Mary, a woman of many talents that she had attempted to nurture in her own right, while navigating ever changing adolescence that had been different for all four of her children. A champion amongst champions in that regard, she seemed all but superhuman while holding the mantle of stay at home mother. In the midst of all that, even if she loved them with every fiber of her being she couldn’t shake the perpetual feeling of resentment that she possessed due to the monotony of her life. And it had shown, not all the time but enough for her children to make up their own minds as to how they viewed her. This was most likely the reason she was so torn about thinking of all her children under one roof. The same roof that held millions of memories, because it was their childhood home. The only one they had ever known. Mary was still mid thought when she had realized that she heard snow being broken up by tires as it came around the corner. A red Toyota Camry which she knew to be her youngest Tyler. Her heart had skipped a beat, which she categorized as relief. Mary loved all four of her children but she had always felt closer to her sons more so than her daughters. Tyler had taken the throne when his older brother had abdicated from it. Well at least in her husband’s eyes, Tyler had gone to the right schools, said all of the right things and for the most part did what he had been told. It wasn’t lost on Mary that her and Tyler’s father had been considerably more strict on the first two than they had been on the last two, but the gravity of that difference wasn’t the same in her mind as it was in her children’s. Tyler got out of the car enthusiastically as she had predicted mostly because he had only been gone for a few months whilst he had started his first year of college. Only four hours from home Mary didn’t know if that gave her peace of mind or him, but she took it for whatever it was worth. He was alone as she had told all of their children that it was to be a family-only thanksgiving but that she would loosen the reins when Christmas time came. Mary had the door already propped open despite the impending frost that was making its head way into her warm home. Tyler saw this and bolted maybe because he was thoughtful, or maybe because he was cold but whatever the reason Mary was pleased. Tyler had picked his mother up in a hug that rivaled those videos of soldiers ingsurprising their families. As he put her down he instantly scanned the room for his father. He was at his position on the couch channel surfing. William hadn’t moved an inch even as he saw the grandiose entrance that Tyler had made. In fact his first thought was about how the heat was escaping the house in the time that his wife stood with the door propped. William was inherently cold, but life has a way of cranking up the A/C on you and staying at full blast whether you are ready or not. Kind of how when you spend the night at your friends house, and you are without a blanket and you use whatever is at your disposal to stay warm. With life though it is a little different, instead of couch cushions and wthrow pillows maybe its distance and sternness. William loved all his children though, maybe it was his biggest fault. He had loved so hard, when in fact he didn’t necessarily know how to love and it kind of made it hostile in the household. Not so much for Tyler and his sister Ashley, but for the older two it was synonymous with a war zone at times. William did stand up though, because he had began to soften as he had seen the toll it had taken on his first borns. Tyler went to his dad and hugged him, he was genuinely happy to see him. Willam for all his faults had given his children something even if it was dressed as something else. William’s biggest fear was that his children would not live to their full potential and at times it kept him up at night. Not that it would have made a difference in how he acted, his goal was what it was. It wasn’t Not to be their best friends. Tyler took his seat on the couch beside his dad, and didn’t say too much. That was okay though because they didn’t necessarily have anything to talk about because although they had spent ample time together they didn’t know each other in that way. Mary still at the door relieved that her baby was home for the holidays was shortly stripped of all comfort when a white Ford Focus crept up to the driveway. Alex. Mary’s heart dropped. She didn’t have a lot of regrets in life, because she always dubbed them as something not worth dwelling over. But this was on the short list, she and Alex were not close. They never seemed to be on the same page and for a long time Mary blamed her. For not being the daughter that she had imagined in exchange for her sacrificing her youth to be a mother. It wasn’t something she was proud of but a part of her couldn’t shake it. Alex stepped out of her car with about as much excitement as a mouse in a trap. Alex felt the same way, she almost laughed out loud to herself. To willingly walk into the lion’s den that had been the bane of her adolescence. To be greeted by the rmother lion herself. She wondered why she hadn’t been able to get out of it, I mean she was completely capable and not to mention not a child anymore. There would be virtually no ramifications if she had and her mother most likely would have been relieved. Alex loved her mother, but maybe only because she was supposed to. They had never gotten along and her mother had been almost cruel to her growing up. Alex knew why now, but as a child that sees her friends’ mothers being their best friend to go home to her own was brutal. Alex stepped into the warmth and didn’t exactly know what to do, maybe she was supposed to hug her mom but she didn’t feel that level of affection for her. She never had. Mary greeted her and did her best to not be dry, but it was strange. When she thought about Alex and their years together she wanted nothing more than to have that hallmark moment and reconcile. But when Alex was in her presence all those feelings from the past bombarded her and she couldn’t push them out. William had always had a soft spot for her girls even if only one felt the same way. He still was extremely cold, but Alex always felt a sense of duty to his wishes. She wanted to please him more than anything in the world. She had even wasted some years of her life following the plans that he had laid out for her. Partly because William had a way of making it seem like the only option, but also because she just wanted him to be proud of her. Willam and Alex hugged the way that Mary had wished she could, and she went into the kitchen. Not to help cook because Alex could have botched making ice, but for a completely different reason. Alex and Tyler had a ten year difference between them. When you look at it that way it doesn’t seem so drastic, but when you consider that when Alex graduated highschool Tyler was in single digits. Between being a teenager and the war zone that was her childhood she didn’t really feel up to dealing with an eight year old. She and Tyler were virtually strangers, she did love him but again it could be along the same reasons that she loved Mary. Because she was supposed to. Tyler didn’t even stand to hug his sister, because honestly he thought that she was virtually a stranger. He always thought about how weird it was to be around someone who knew more about your life than you did, other than your parents. He had been so young when she moved out, that she was like an idea that was forever on the tip of your tongue. Tyler was really waiting for his brother Will. He was coming from the city and didn’t have a car so he was using an app to acquire a ride. To Tyler, Will was larger than life. Will had done so many things in his life that Tyler would have deemed unthinkable and he admired him for it. They had shared a room for the majority of his young life, so the eight years between them in age didn’t really make a difference. Tyler and Will had been adversaries most of their life, or Will’s life I should say. By the time Tyler started really solidifying memories Will was older and treated Tyler like he was the best thing under the sun. Anything Tyler had wanted Will had tried to make happen, at the expense of his own well being a lot of the time. Willam Sr. was the anxious one now though, he saw Mary rise up on her toes indicating that the third of their clan had arrived. Will was in a good mood, as always because that was the kind of person he was. Mary had no doubt imagined him talking with the driver who he had known for maybe all of an hour and swearing they were the best of the best of friends. Will was always like that, now for himself but before because of Mary. She edparaded him around because he was in a sense the golden child for a time in their lives. People liked him, even if he gave both of his parents headaches with the things that came out of his mouth sometimes. He just had this charisma that was contagious; you couldn’t help but smile around him. That was also what caused his problems with William Sr.. Will’s dad had valued him as a prized possession and made him work harder than any of the other kids because his greatness was the most evident. But also because of his ability to seemingly get what he wanted when he wanted it, he was afraid that Will would rely on this instead of hard work. Will had a belief that people were inherently good, he had been through different things in his life that all supported this notion. His father didn’t share the same idea, though maybe he was coming around. He still didn’t know exactly how to act around his son. Will was excited to be home, he loved his family, not in spite of all their faults but because of them. He thought that they were the greatest people on the planet even if they didn’t feel the same way about him. Will had hugged his mom not with the same fruition that Tyler had because even though his mother had been his biggest fan she also had said some of the most hurtful words. Will had turned to look at his father who for a time in his life had been the most polarizing figure in his life. The intelligence, the determination, his father was second to none. He was also the coldest to him, and it left Will with so much hate and resentment toward him. Will had acted accordingly as well, getting into trouble and rebelling. It wasn’t all for his father though, he cared for his younger sister and brother with his life, and if he had fallen in line with his father he believed that he would have never changed. Now of course Will had gone overboard, but part of it was coming from a good place. And he had seen the difference in the way his parents child rearing techniques had matured. William Sr. got up to greet his first born son of the same name. He looked well, and happy and that touched the sore spot inside of him, but the only way that he could stand to have a relationship with his son was to push the past down. Will seemed to be the only one okay with that tactic and he was proud of the man he had become. Following his dreams of being a writer even though it was something that William Sr himself had never even known he wanted to do. Or maybe he just had blocked it out, but for better or worse this was the reality. Tyler jumped up and instantly started to joke playfully with his older brother. They had spent so much time together that they were on the same page in such a way that it seemed a work of fiction. William Sr had to push down the feelings of anger when he witnessed their comradery, because for so long he had forbidden it. Not to the extent that he had with Will and Ashely, but he didn’t like that Tyler respected Will’s opinion with such ferocity. For so long their father had not approved of the way Will thought and lived his life that he didn’t believe he should be giving life advice to anybody. Let alone his children, but he knew that it came in one way or another so he stomached it. Will and Tyler, fell right back into step but they knew that they weren’t complete. Ashely had yet to show, which was no surprise. Will had bet with Tyler that she wouldn’t even show up because of her disdain for both of their parents. Just like clock work as Will was telling Tyler in their nonverbal communication that they had developed through the years of sharing a room. Mary again was on her toes. This time Mary looked distraught, and by process of elimination Tyler and Will both knew the reason. Ashely had gotten out of her car, with her face showing exactly what was on her mind. She hated being home. She didn’t have the joy that Tyler had or the forgiveness that Will did. She was pissed whenever she had to see them both. She like Will, was in the middle and although four years his junior they both were middle children and she more than all of them remembered both sides of her parents. It only served to piss her off more when they started to change because she couldn’t just get over it and pretend it hadn’t been the way it was. As she approached the door Mary had stepped back because there was no way a hug was in the cards between them. Well honestly with any of mthem because she wasn’t a hugger but also didn’t have the warmest feelings about her mother. Tyler and Will were ecstatic to see her though. Alex the oldest and Will had virtually no relationship, even though they were the closest in age there was a disconnect. Alex was that way with all of the younger siblings. But Will, Tyler and Ashley were the dream team. The jokes and the friendship were unmatched by anybody you could imagine. Will and Ashley had the most special bond though, because of how the father had a soft spot. The way that he forbid Will to talk to Tyler paled in comparison to the restrictions put on his and Ashley’s relationship. William Sr did not make it a secret that he longed for a relationship with his daughters, and though Alex did her best Ashely was severely disinterested. A long with the revisionist history that he exercised when it came to their upbringing came a lot of misguided notions. The biggest was that the sole reason for the lack of relationship with Ashley was due to Will in a sense turning her against him. Which couldn’t have been farther from the truth. Will had gone through the phase in his life where he despised his parents and he had also moved passed it. Unbeknownst to his father Will was the strongest advocate for their relationship because he regretted only just now having a relationship with his father. Ashely was excited to see her brothers even if she would never openly admit it, you could just tell that her demeanor would change, and it had been years since they had all been together. Of course they fell right back in step with their inside jokes and reminiscing about their past traumas that had now been the butt of all the jokes. Mary had instantly become awkward and she resented the feeling, she loved her family but much like her husband it irked her that she felt like an outsider when it came to her three youngest. Here she was on the outside looking in once again, and there was nothing should could do about it. Mary walked into the living room and did her best not to sound spiteful as she interrupted her children to tell them that the dinner was ready. Tyler and Will exchanged looks because they both could read their mom like an open book, and she seemed as if she was caught in the middle of wanting the night to last forever and hoping it had already ended. As they made their way into the kitchen William Sr didn’t move, he didn’t usually start eating at the same time as his family no matter the occasion. As Will crossed the threshold to the kitchen he saw Alex for the first time in three years. Their relationship was extremely nonexistent, she for lack of a better word hated him. Or it had seemed for as long as he could remember, he didn’t entirely know why when he was younger and really didn’t now though he had an idea. Will had deduced that she had been mad at him for finding a way to be happy in spite of everything they had been through. He thought that in her head it had someway been easier for him than it was for her, and maybe it had been but not by too much. They took their unofficial assaigned seats that had been their spots growing up, with Will next to Tyler, across from Ashely and Alex. Mary, the machiarch of the family sat at the head of the table and William Sr was at the counter quietly eating his food. He never usually sat with the family, and they didn’t mind because he was extremely critical about everything his children did. Mary and Alex again were on the sidelines as between bites the “dream team” howled and banged the table telling each othe jokes. Mary imagined that they didn’t realize that they weren’t even speaking in full sentences just phrases and gestures and they all seemed to know what the other was saying. It should have made her proud, but again she was filled with resentment. Mary glanced at Alex and could tell she was feeling the same way, maybe more intensely because she actually their sibling. Alex had always hated the way her siblings were like one body with three heads. She would never say it out loud but she wanted to be a part of what they had. But she had just decided it was one of those things, how you spend every day of your life wishing for something to be different and Imagining how it would be if it was. Then days turn into weeks and weeks to months, and all of that longing is in the past and this is your life. Alex had to deal with it. Will loved his sister even if he barely knew her and it wasn’t lost on him that she wasn’t involved in their sibling love. And he wanted to include her but not at the expense of spending time with his other siblings because they had worked hard to get where they were and it meant the world to him. Just as it did to Tyler and Ashely. Mary had turned around to see that William Sr was no longer eating behind her and she surmised that meant the night was coming to a close. Tyler was planning on spending the night but the other children had other places they had to be that week so they would be leaving. Ashely loved being his her siblings, because they were her bestfriends. Nobody in the world had gone through specifically what they had and together at that. She had realized that found herself not wanting to go back to the real world without the people that had her back the most. But she knew that she had too whether she wanted to or not. Tyler was excited to sleep in his room again but he didn’t want his older siblings to leave either even though he knew they were going to. He had stood with them at the door to prolong it as long as he could but he could tell it was wearing thin. Ashely was the first one to go, she firmly believed that ripping the band aid off was the best way to go through life. She didn’t hug her brothers but her look said it all, she nodded at her mom and dad was off into the freezing cold. Not surprisingly Alex was next she half heartedly hugged her mom and gave her dad a hug as he remained seated in his chair where he had been when they had all arrived. She said goodbye to both of her brothers without making eye contact and was gone too. Lastly was Will who made it known he didn’t want to leave his brother but had to get back to the city. He went over to his dad and they exchanged nods he hugged his mother Mary sincerely and then his brother who seemed as though he was never going to let go. Will told Tyler that if he ever needed anything he should already know that he’s got him always and he made his way out the door as well. When Mary closed the door she still watched her children through the glass. Tyler had already assumed his position by his dad watching tv with him silent, but content. This hadn’t been a Hallmark holiday the way Mary always dreamed it would be but she was extremely happy nonetheless. Of course she wished that she could tell this story for years to come about how her family against all odd came back together and were a well knit clan. But that wasn’t the case, and she thought that was okay too. Family is messy, and its hard, and a lot of the time doesn’t make sense, but it’s family. The only one that you get, so it’s okay that they weren’t something out of a holiday movie. There was no big reveal and no major reconciliation, but thats not realistic. What made her happy was that what she had just been through was real, it didn’t have to be insanely eventful because it was her family. And she loved them. So as her children started the trek back to their lives in the outside world she wished them all the luck in the world, until the next time.