First Date

I think that if I was in my right mind I would have called and canceled. Well to be totally honest I should’ve, I mean we’ve done everything in the book when it comes to activities. Do you know how whenever anything happens to you, even the slightest thing, there’s somebody you want to tell? Like an encounter at a gas station, a fight with your parents, even something as minuscule as an aberration in my morning routine. For whatever reason every small moment in my life I wanted to blow up and elongate for her, and maybe she didn’t even really care about what I’m talking about, and that’s okay. She cared about who I was becoming every single day and I don’t think I’ll ever want to give that up. She was the first person to make me feel like not knowing who I was supposed to be or what I wanted was okay. She understood that I really was afraid of deciding, but she also understood why. I wasn’t afraid for the same reason most people were, it wasn’t fear of failing in the everyday sense. It was being afraid to not be earth shatteringly brilliant at whatever it was that I would decide to do. She knew that if I couldn’t be great, the kind of way that people who came before us were. You know, the way they inspired us to rise above ourselves and want to touch greatness so badly that no one and nothing was safe from our own ambition. That kind of feeling can be terrifyingly overwhelming especially if you don’t know how to nurture it. Unknowingly she did that for me, but we had grown apart. It had maybe been nine or ten years before we were both in the same place at the same time. It wasn’t for long, but in the years before that we had reconnected, and I have to admit, I was nervous at first . I had been through so many different trials and tribulations and had been molded into somebody who I had deemed unrecognizable. I think a big part of that conclusion had come from the fact that the way I viewed her hadn’t changed. Someone that is so pure of heart she was the reason why people say, “ fantasy will never live up to the reality” which is usually true. But if someone could, it was her. Undoubtedly. We hadn’t seen each other but we had spoken everyday since the reconnection that I don’t think an in-person rendezvous would have remotely made any difference. So when I was in town I don’t think that there was any question who was going to be my first call. She had picked up on the first ring and I did my best to hold off asking her to meet up with me, and in my head I had done a good job of holding off. Of course, when I checked the call time on our conversion which I had gotten in the habit of because it was our only means of conversation for so many years. It didn’t really surprise me to see that it had only lasted a maximum three minutes and in that time we made a complete plan so I most definitely wasn’t as smooth as I had imagined in my own head. For better or for worse the plans were set in stone though. I think that as excited as I felt about being able to see each other in person after so long, It didn’t deter the urge to vomit everything I had eaten that day because there was so much unknown. I didn’t even really know what she looked like barring her face in a six inch box on my phone periodically. I was scared, to say the least, which was putting it extremely lightly. I probably tried on eleven different variations of the same outfit, sort of similar to how in the early 2000’s movies would have a montage where a hit song would play as the protagonist would do things that would normally take hours to do and end up with the perfect outcome. I can tell you first hand, that is super unrealistic and most definitely doesn’t depict the stress and hassle that came along with dressing and undressing. Approving and disapproving only to end up with the same exact thing you had on from the start. When I finally made it out of that mess I took time to actually be thankful, because I’d had the “perfect” plan for our first date mapped out since I was a teenager. Well maybe it’s not a date, but I’m sure you get the idea. I had booked a hotel that was within walking distance from everything that we would be doing because I wanted as much face time with her as possible. As I walked out the doors and was on my way I felt like I was on autopilot with my legs moving towards the predetermined destination but my mind screaming to turn back. I don’t know that I ever felt this worried about meeting anybody, and I write for a living, with Constant “ constructive criticisms” and slights being thrown my way. I should be well equipped for potential rejection, but I think I was thrown because I didn’t necessarily know what type of rejection I was scared of. We were friends, nothing more, definitely nothing less but I was still feeling like my stomach was midway through its floor routine of that year’s olympics. Before I knew it I was there, knocking on the door. I don’t know how I brought myself to do it, but I’m glad that I snapped back into consciousness when I did because she opened the door. I don’t know how I stayed up right, I had never seen somebody so aggressively beautiful in my entire life. I had seen her so many times, for a period every single day, but when she opened the door my heart dropped into my stomach. I don’t even want to imagine what I looked like because there were absolutely no thoughts present in my brain. There she was, standing there, blonde hair blue eyes that were THE cliche. So blue that you could have drowned in them, such innocence, but also something else. It had been so long and I had been through so much I don’t think I stopped to imagine the life that she could have been living without me. She was obviously beautiful, anybody who came in contact with her who could utilize the five senses could see that. But the depth in her eyes that I had seen, it was unbelievable and I think it was on my face because she threw her arms around me almost instantly. After she punched me in the arm because I would imagine my mouth was hanging nearly to the ground right in front her. She was as amazing as I remember, no matter how I was feeling she became exactly what I needed. She locked her arm in mine and started us on our walk to the date I had planned for us. Dinner and a movie, which seems basic but she was someone who appreciated the cinema the way that I did literature. As an art form that can make anybody at any moment feel included, or help them escape if need be. Of course everybody eats, but I chose dinner as well because she had the remarkable trait of being present. In any situation her ability to be “there” was unmatched, which doesn’t sound as significant as it is but she made everybody feel like it was okay to believe. Whether it was in their dreams, or happiness or just themselves. As we approached the theater I was even amazed, I had chosen the Vista Theatre, which was built in the 1920s, because it was one of the oldest if not the oldest theatre still showing movies. I saw that it was playing the “GodFather ” which I knew that she loved and, It was perfect. The theater was unnerving, how beautifully kept it had been, the tannish red with white trim, the old brick building I had seen when I first approached took my breath away. As we got into our seats I instantly felt like I was thirteen years old again. I had seen this movie a plethora of times as I’d imagine she had too, but all I could think about was when the right time would be to hold her hand. I was thirty-one years old and the only thing on my mind was if I should reach for her hand before or after Sonny was gunned down by Barzinis men. The decision felt like the biggest of my life. Considering I didn’t have her to discuss it with, I didn’t do anything, but I could tell as the movie ended that she had enjoyed the first part of the night I had planned. As we exited the theater she once again linked arms with me as we walked the two blocks to this little family owned Italian restaurant. It was reminiscent of Lady and the tramp, it was super secluded and because I had made reservations we had a table that was relatively isolated. I honestly can’t remember exactly what we talked about, but I had the time of my life. Watching her eyes like firecrackers light up with every laugh, I think that was the moment I completely fell in love, watching as she laughed with her whole body and how when she listened it was with every ounce of it as well. Again I was the thirteen year old boy who didn’t know how to conduct himself around a girl let alone someone that made me feel this alive. After our tug of war of who was going to pay the bill we got up to leave, and I had a pit in my stomach. Already well on my way to over analyzing why she didn’t want me to pay, ultimately coming to the conclusion that she didn’t want there to be any confusion about this being a date. Which hurt, but having only recently decided that she was the love of my life or having recently realized it. I tried to bounce back quickly, and by the time we were making our way back to her apartment, I had fully come to terms with a life of just friends with her. Almost as quickly as I decided that it was okay to be friends here, our arms were linked and all the “friends” stuff was out the window. We walked like that, arm in arm all the way back to her apartment, talking about our lives, the past few years, the movie, the food, and how great it was to see each other again. I felt something in the pit of my stomach the moment that her front door had gotten within sight, but I was in no capacity to make up something on the fly to give us more time. The truth of the matter was there wasn’t enough time in the world, so I stayed silent. We eventually got to her door and I didn’t know if I was getting the “kiss goodnight” vibe or not so we kind of just made small talk for the first time all night. We hugged goodbye and I held along as long as I could without raising suspicion and watched her walk in as the door swung shut behind her. I didn’t know how to feel. I think I had convinced myself that if I had kissed her I would have had my answer either way, and I would have been able to get on my flight the next day content one one or another. I lingered a few seconds longer and turned to leave, when I heard the door swing back open. I was bull rushed as I felt both of her arms being thrown around my neck and she pushed her lips on mine. I had kissed plenty of women before and I had felt sparks, but the fireworks that emanated from this were like nothing I had ever experienced. It was like I was having my first kiss all over again, but the right way, with the right girl. It lasted maybe four seconds, which felt like an eternity to me and her arms retreated from the back of my neck. She thanked me for the night and was back in the house, the door swinging shut behind her like it had done before. I couldn’t help but smile because It had been confirmed, I was in love. One thing that I also knew and often put in my own art was the notion that someone can be right for you, but just not right now. And that was okay, we both had lives to get back to and people to lift up to greatness or die trying. It was a great night and I Imagined what life would have been if I had banged on the door until there was an answer. Told her how I felt and she had felt the same way, Like the stuff of fairytales. It’s okay though, she had art to make, and I had a flight to catch, and until it was our “right now”, that was okay.